Never Good Enough

I posted a cryptic message on Facebook the other day, and received a few messages about it, so I should probably elaborate.

First of all, thanks for all the support! That is exactly what I am hoping to accomplish with my writing. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone!

Yes, I had a bad day. Honestly, more than one bad day. I have never felt like more of a failure than the day my oldest son told me he would rather live with his father.

His father, who is loosely who the character Erik is based on, is an abusive alcoholic. He has spent time in prison. He has only been a part-time part of my children’s lives for the past several years. And my child, who I have done everything for, would rather live with him.

I’m terrified. This kid has everything going for him. He has a chance at a full-ride to UW Madison. He has the potential to get straight As (when he’s not lazy). He works hard. He has never been without a job since he was fourteen.

However, he has a temper. He feels that certain things should just be handed to him. I am scared that being around his toxic father will make things even worse, since whenever he spends any time with him, he comes home with an attitude.

He is only months away from being eighteen, so I really couldn’t stop him (I could, but only until December, and then things would just be worse). I want to let him make his own decisions. Let him make his own mistakes. However, I don’t want him to risk losing his scholarship. I don’t want him to ruin his life.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be okay with his decision.